There is an old joke about a man who walks up to a woman and offers her $1 million if she will sleep with him. She immediately answers yes. He then offers her half-a-million, and she say yes. Then he offers here a $100,000 and the offer is still yes. When he finally offers her $1,000, she turns him down and says “What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He replies, “We’ve already established that. Now we’re just working on the price.”

People will do strange things for money. They will cheat, lie, steal, maim and even kill for it. Money is so intoxicating that even the sight of it makes some people go off the deep end. Desperation for money is what brings a group of strangers to a shuttered insane asylum to spend the night. They have been promised $1 million each if they manage to survive the evening. Sounds like an easy million, but what the unsuspecting guests don’t realize is that their accommodations are haunted. Or are they?

That’s the premise of “House on Haunted Hill”, a modern remake of director William Castle’s campy 1958 horror classic starring Vincent Price. In that film, Price played an impresario who kowtows to his wife’s demand that he throw her a private party in a haunted house. As the evening progresses, strange and frightening events take their toll on the guests.

The new film stars Oscar-winner Geoffrey Rush (Shine) in the Vincent Price role. As Stephen Price (a nifty nod to Vincent), Rush seems quite at home as the billionaire amusement park mogul who delights in scaring people. With his pencil-thin mustache and a devilish glimmer in his eye, you can’t help but like a man who derives pleasure from making other people feel uncomfortable.

That is also the goal of director William Malone and writer Dick Beebe, who pump up the volume of the original into a horrific blend of images and gory mayhem. Castle was never a great filmmaker, but he was effective. He knew how to scare an audience, even while making them laugh.

Malone, a low-budget horror filmmaker, tries to replicate that formula, and in the process delivers a film that is wildly uneven. Castle reveled in insinuation. His films (Tingler, I Saw What You Did) revealed little if any actual gore. Malone piles on the gore frame after frame, obviously catering to audiences who demand more than suspense.

There are some suspenseful moments in the film, but they are of the garden variety. Characters walk down dark, spooky hallways, unaware of what waits for them around every corner. Those traditional moments work well, mostly because the film is set inside an abandoned insane asylum. Credit production designer David F. Klassen for creating the perfect environment.

Into this labyrinth of dark hallways and spooky padded rooms arrives five guests, including a former baseball player (Taye Diggs), an actress desperate to make it big on television (Bridgette Wilson), a secretary posing as her boss (Ali Larter), a doctor (Peter Gallagher) and the descendant of the asylum’s original owner (Chris Kattan, along for comic relief).

Much to Price and his wife Evelyn’s (Famke Janssen) surprise, the arrivals turn out to be total strangers instead of the guests they invited. Being a sport, Price offers the strangers the same offer, but before any of them can bail, the asylum’s security system seals them in. I love haunted house movies, but after last summer’s big-budget “The Haunting,” and now “House on Haunted Hill”, that love affair is wearing thin. Haunted house movies are supposed to be creepy. It’s all about lights and shadows, and mood and tone. The new breed of filmmakers toss all of that out the window in favor of state-of-the-art special effects. They believe bigger is better, and that’s their major mistake.

Castle’s original film put the audience in the same position as the characters. It was all about discovery. Were these horrific things really happening, or were they the handiwork of the demented host? We didn’t know until the character’s did, and that is what made Castle’s film so involving.

Malone and Beebe tip their hat way too early to create any real mood or suspense. Beebe’s attempt at updating the plot and being hip make it impossible for the cast to take any of this seriously. Rush is the only actor who seems to understand the script’s weaknesses and plays to them. The remainder deliver by the book performances.

Technically, the film is sound. The musical score by Don Davis suggests a scarier movie, while Rick Bota’s cinematography is crisp. Ironically, the remake cost more (even though modestly budgeted at $15 million) than Castle spent during his entire career. Obviously money can’t buy everything, especially quality.

COMPLETE CHECK-UP

VISION: 20/20

1.85:1 Widescreen

16:9 Enhanced

RSDL

The production, lighting and photography design all get respect from the digital transfer, which recreates the film’s widescreen aspect ratio with exquisite attention to detail. Delivered in anamorphic widescreen, there isn’t one iota of digital compression artifacts or noise visible. Instead, you get sharper, crisp images that look terrific. Contrast is excellent, especially in the low lit scenes that never lose their detail. Warm colors mix well with cold interiors. Flesh tones are natural, while colors look good with absolutely no bleeding. Saturation is perfect. Depth of field is quite impressive, especially in the dark scenes. Blacks hold up even under the worst conditions, while a pristine print allows for pure whites and grays.

HEARING: Minor Hearing Loss

Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround

The chaotic mix of musical cues and frightening ambient noise occasionally overpowers the dialogue mix, which isn’t a total loss. Most of the dialogue is silly, yet it’s frustrating to have to listen closely to hear plot points. The soundtrack really comes alive when the characters shut up and allow the music and ambient noise to do their thing. Echo effects are really creepy, giving the rear speakers more to do than just pump out the occasional musical or ambient noise cue. Surround effects are excellent, actually drawing you into the horror of the film, and show accuracy in their spatial split. The front sound stage is powerful, while the basses will rattle your teeth. High and middle ends are sharp with no distortion.

ORAL: Good

Closed Captions in English for the Hard of Hearing

Subtitles in French

COORDINATION: Good

Eerie animated main and scene access menus that are equally chilling.

Full-length audio commentary with director William Malone, who explains the process of recreating a cult masterpiece and the tricks of the trade needed to creep out modern day audiences.

Deleted scenes, including one shot in two different locations. Obviously they couldn’t get it right.

Behind-the-scenes documentary “Tale of Two Houses” comparing the two versions of the film (1959 & 1999), plus several “making-of” featurettes that go into detail about the film’s visual effects. There’s also a tribute to William Castle, and a clip from the director’s first film, “Creature.”

Photo gallery.

Theatrical trailers of the 1959 and 1999 versions of the film.

Cast & crew bios & filmographies.

DVD-ROM features include an interactive game, essays and web access.

PROGNOSIS: Fit

Okay, I wasn’t a big fan of the film, yet the DVD provides so much more than just the film you might want to add a copy to your library.

VITALS: $24.98/Rated R/93m/Color/30 Chapters/Snapper Case

ATTENDING RESIDENT: John Larsen

PATIENT: THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999)

BIRTH DATE: 1999

HMO: Warner Home Video

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 12th, 2003 at 7:57 pm and is filed under Film Review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.