If ever a film begged for an alien anal probe, it’s “Progeny.” Make it deep and long, because there’s nothing else here that is even remotely as interesting.

Which is sad, considering that this film comes from director Brian Yuzna, who has directed his fair share of shock treats, including “Bride of Re-Animator” and “Return of the Living Dead 3.” Even his work on “The Dentist” series (Part 2 is also reviewed on this site) showed, excuse me, real bite.

So it puzzles and perplexes me that this tired mess came from Yuzna. “Progeny” is a straight-forward alien impregnation thriller that stars a wooden (think Ah-nuld in his early years) Arnold Vosloo and Jillian McWhirter (a Yuzna favorite, probably because she doesn’t mind taking off her clothes) as a couple desperately trying to have a child. Their prayers are answered when wife Sherry gets knocked up, much to the amazement and delight of husband Craig.

What they don’t know is that their lovemaking session was interrupted by aliens, who have implanted one of their own into Sherry. As the pregnancy advances, Craig begins to suspect that the baby isn’t his. The couple turn to a psychiatrist, who has Sherry hypnotized, where she relates her close encounter of the horny kind. As the baby grows, Craig turns to alien abduction expert (Brad Dourif, doing his best to look and sound interesting) for help, but realizes the only solution is in the termination of the fetus. Be careful Doc, because pro life advocates might storm your office, proclaiming that even evil alien life forms deserve to be born.

Yeah, right. It all ends badly, but not before everyone in the cast and behind the camera get the opportunity to embarrass themselves. Vosloo, who took over for Liam Neeson in the “Darkman” video series, fails to muster any emotion or sympathy for his character. He’s so wooden he could double as a Cigar Store Indian. McWhirter fares a little better, but is relegated to looking frightened or standing around naked as the camera crew (nee aliens) examines her body. It’s nice work if you can get it.

The biggest embarrassment is Wilford Brimley, who looks so stuffed with Quaker Oats that he can barely remember his name. It’s obvious that Brimley is reading from cue cards. It’s just horrible. Then again, there isn’t much in the film to recommend it. The special and visual effects are definitely of the bargain basement variety. Not once do you believe any of this hokum. Even the durable Lindsay Crouse has a difficult time keeping a straight face as the psychiatrist.

You just know she’s paying the rent. This territory has been covered many times before, with much better results. Even the Barbara Eden made-for-television thriller “The Stranger Within” did a better job of telling this story.

COMPLETE CHECK-UP

VISION: [ ] 20/20 [ X ] Good [ ] Cataracts [ ] Blind

Decent but not spectacular 1.85:1 widescreen transfer (the box says 2.35:1) features good color saturation and strong blacks, and the flesh tones look natural. However, the DVD has more than its share of compression artifacts, which dot the landscape throughout the film. They’re not extremely annoying, but they are enough to rate the film lower than 20/20. The photography is okay for a low budget effort, but the images lack detail and depth of field. Not that it really matters.

HEARING: [ X ] Excellent [ ] Minor Hearing Loss [ ] Needs Hearing Aid [ ] Deaf

First rate 2.0 Dolby Digital Stereo soundtrack sounds better than the film looks. Exceptionally clear high and low ends, with excellent dialogue mix and good ambient noise.

ORAL: [ ] Excellent [ ] Good [ X ] Poor

Subtitles in Spanish.

COORDINATION: [ X ] Excellent [ ] Good [ ] Clumsy [ ] Weak

Here’s the real rub. How can a film so devoid of entertainment value warrant a special edition DVD? How come a film like Todd Solondz’s “Happiness,” which demands a director’s audio commentary, comes without one, while “Progeny,” which more than speaks for itself, gets two different audio commentaries? Explain that to me. Regardless, Sterling Home Entertainment has chosen “Progeny” as their latest Millennium Series DVD, and even though it comes packed with lots of extras, it’s like putting gold bumpers on a Chevy Vega. Here’s what you get:

Two feature-length audio commentaries, one featuring director Brian Yuzna and producers Jack F. Murphy and Henry Seggerman, the other writers Stuart Gordon and Aubrey Solomon. Both are okay, but the producers seem to lack real knowledge of their stars. One of them belittles Lindsay Crouse’s body of work without even realizing it. You really have to like the film to hang on these guy’s every word.

Interviews with cast and crew that feature possibly the worst interviewer on the face of the Earth. I don’t know who this clown is, but his questions are vague and sometimes silly. The editors had to resort to those quick fade shots of the talent in order to get a decent answer out of them. He keeps trying to make something out of nothing, and the stars realize it from the beginning.

Actual alien abductee interviews. Possibly the most interesting aspect of the DVD. At least these people seem to know what they’re talking about.

Multi-angle storyboards that allow you to switch from the storyboard to the actual scene in the film. I like this feature as it allows me to use my multi-angle button.

A trivia game that is more annoying than fun. If you pick the correct answer, you’re rewarded with one of two clips of a doctor congratulating you. Pick a wrong answer, and you get the angry alien baby. You must get all of the answers right to win, but there is no payoff. Just a crappy congratulation screen. Don’t waste your time.

A short featurette on the making of the alien creatures.

Biographies and filmographies of the main talent.

Impressive, animated main menus, and scene access menus that feature clips from each scene. I just wish the rest of the DVD was as impressive as the menus. By the way, on the main menu, click left to the baby in a bottle, and you’ll get a complete rundown of the talent who put the DVD together.

A slide show featuring stills from the film. To me, this is totally unnecessary. Slide shows are fine, but why rehash what you’re about to see? This is the place for behind-the-scenes stills.

DVD-ROM features that allow you to print out the original script (oh boy, can’t wait to have my own personal copy), or jump to a scene in the film from the script. There’s also an Internet connection to the website for the film.

The original theatrical trailer.

PROGNOSIS: [ ] Excellent [ ] Fit [ X ] Will Live [ ] Resuscitate [ ] Terminal

If you like the extras, you might enjoy giving this DVD a spin. Otherwise, abort now!

VITALS: $29.99/Not Rated/95 Minutes/Color/24 Chapter Stops/Keepcase/#7185

ATTENDING RESIDENT: John Larsen

PATIENT: PROGENY

BIRTH DATE: 1999

HMO: Sterling Home Entertainment

This entry was posted on Monday, August 28th, 2000 at 1:28 am and is filed under Film Review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.