I really liked this movie the first two times I saw it as “Gremlins” and “Toy Story.” Now it’s just a pastiche of better films told with impressive special effects and a sad excuse for a story. I’m really disappointed in Dante, who was (awe heck, still is) one of my favorite directors.

From his humble beginnings with Roger Corman (“Piranha,” “Hollywood Boulevard”) to his major success (“Gremlins”), Dante has displayed a visual style all his own. His films were filled with delightful in-jokes and constant references from other films. He was hip before Quentin Tarantino made it cool to be hip again. There’s nothing remotely hip about “Small Soldiers,” a film that just screams high concept and burger stand tie-ins. There’s a glimmer of a story buried in the high-tech screenplay by numerous writers (no finger pointing here).

When a Bill Gates type billionaire (Denis Leary) buys a toy company, he insists that the action figures do everything that the commercials show them doing. That means programming them with a computer chip so they walk and talk. Good idea, but when one of the designers installs military weapons chips in the dolls, they become aggressive and inherit actual intelligence. Imagine the possibilities. That’s what the screen writers and Dante fail to do. For some reason, they can’t kick this film into gear. It takes forever to get started, and when it finally does, it’s a case of too little too late. First off, and this is no slight to the actor who plays him, but the main protagonist is a bit of a wimp, and even though he’s forced to rise to the occasion, I didn’t care if he lived or died. That’s a bad thing, a situation made even worse by the fact that all of the actors are trapped in roles no thicker than a dime.

The actors are nothing more than targets, and are forced to do things that make no sense except to help the nonsensical plot advance. There’s a puppy dog love story at the core of the film, one that immediately suffers when Alan (Gregory Smith) opens a Pandora’s Box by securing a set of the newfangled toys against his father’s wish. Of course all hell breaks loose when the Commando Elite, led by Major Chip Hazard (voice of Tommy Lee Jones), set out to accomplish their mission: destroy the goofy looking but noble monster creatures.

Armed with weapons and life- long batteries, the commandos do whatever it takes to accomplish their mission. That includes kidnapping Alan’s new girlfriend Christy (Kirsten Dunst) and holding her hostage until he turns over the creatures. This leads to an all-out war involving some, but not all of the neighbors. It’s all told matter-of-factly with nary a trace of style nor wit. Dante’s trademark visual jokes are nowhere to be found, and the only in-joke is that the remaining members of the “Dirty Dozen” cast voice the Commando Elite. However, 13 year-old boys won’t even know who Ernest Borgnine and Clint Walker are. “Small Soldiers” is rather vicious and mean-spirited.

There’s lots of mayhem, and a rather sordid “Frankenstein” spoof that have the commandos turning a room full of quasi-Barbie’s into an army of killers. Little girls will have nightmares, while little boys will get fried if they try to imitate the heroic actions of Alan at the end of the film. A major miscalculation that probably cost a bundle of cash. For the amount of money they spent on this film they could have designed and manufactured the real thing. Now I would pay to see that.

COMPLETE CHECK-UP

VISION: [ X ] 20/20 [ ] Good [ ] Cataracts [ ] Blind : [ X ] 20/20 [ ] Good [ ] Cataracts [ ] Blind

Sensational 2.35:1 widescreen transfer delivers superior color saturation, stunning flesh tones and industrial strength blacks. Enhanced at 16:9 for widescreen televisions, the digital transfer is free of any compression artifacts or pixelation. The images are sharp and vivid, while the colors are natural and solid. A lot of effort was expended to create the film’s comic book look, and the digital author has done a masterful job of maintaining that vision.

HEARING: [ X ] Excellent [ ] Minor Hearing Loss [ ] Needs Hearing Aid [ ] Deaf

Extremely expressive 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround track (there’s also Dolby Surround tracks in French and Spanish) puts you right in the middle of the action. One of the best uses of 5.1 I have heard, with true stereo separation that completely envelops you in a field of sound. There’s a lot of action in “Small Soldiers,” and it will test the full range of your sound system. Thunderous basses echo through the room while ambient noise sounds as natural and authentic as being there live. The clarity of the soundtrack is especially notable, with a superb dialogue mix that stands shoulders above the chaos below.

ORAL: [ X ] Excellent [ ] Good [ ] Poor

Closed captions for the hard of hearing in England, and subtitles in French and Spanish.

COORDINATION: [ ] Excellent [ X ] Good [ ] Clumsy [ ] Weak

As the first title in their Signature Selection series, Dreamworks Home Entertainment delivers the goods. The only thing missing is an audio commentary from director Joe Dante, which would have seemed like a given. Here’s what you do get:

§ A wonderfully engaging behind-the-scenes documentary that looks at the difficulties of bringing action figures to life. The documentary also features interviews with the cast and crew, and a detailed look at the lengthy special effects process.

§ A series of “outtakes” or “bloopers” that are always fun to watch. Jay Mohr must be a lot of fun to work with.

§ Deleted scenes and special effects. Not very significant, but a welcome addition.

§ Cast and crew biographies and filmographies, plus production notes. My only comment here is that the font used for the production notes is so bold that it’s hard to read.

§ The original theatrical trailer.

§ Sony Play Station preview of the “Small Soldiers” game.

§ Dynamic, fully animated and scene access menus are some of the most clever and amusing I have ever seen. The scene access menus feature video clips, always a major plus in my book. The attention to detail in the menus is proof that Dreamworks aims to be a major player in the DVD marketplace.

PROGNOSIS: [ ] Excellent [ X ] Fit [ ] Will Live [ ] Resuscitate [ ] Terminal

I wish I liked the film better, because I really liked what Dreamworks has done with “Small Soldiers” on their first Signature Selection series. If you’re really into this film, then you really must have this DVD.

VITALS: $34.95/Rated PG-13/110 Minutes/Color/RSDL/16 Chapter Stops/Keepcase/#84161

John Larsen ATTENDING RESIDENT

ATTENDING RESIDENT: John Larsen

PATIENT: SMALL SOLDIERS: SIGNATURE SELECTION

BIRTH DATE: 1998

HMO: Dreamworks Home Entertainment

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 17th, 2002 at 7:29 am and is filed under Film Review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.