Taxi
You get the point, which you can use to gouge out the gray matter infected by this insidious excuse for a comedy. Taxi is a remake of a French film, and another reason for the French to hate us. Talk about a Weapon of Mass Destruction, this stink bomb fills the theater with an odor that lingers long after the credits roll, if you manage to last that long.
Taxi is a wreck in more ways than one. It’s loud, obnoxious, stupid, and grating. Logic doesn’t take a holiday, it flat-lines. The film has more writers than a shop teacher has fingers, and all we get is the bird. Taxi is like a big cosmic joke that no one, including the cast and filmmakers, were in on. We’re not laughing at or with these characters. Most of the time I found myself sitting there with the bottom half of my jaw scrapping the theater floor.
Who approved this? Who convinced Queen Latifah that this was a wise career move? Who put way too much butter on my popcorn? I want answers and I want them now!
To be fair, I love Queen Latifah. Not in a hot sex sort of way. I’ve admired the way she has guided her career and the variety of her roles. Taxi isn’t a career killer, but for the Teflon Dawn, it will take extra scrubbing to get rid of the aftertaste.
Latifah plays Belle, a former Manhattan bike messenger who has saved up enough money to buy a souped-up taxi. Manhattan bike messengers must make good tips, because with tax and license, Belle’s ride should cost more than a medium-priced home. Regardless, Belle is thrilled to finally become her own boss.
Enter New York detective Andy Washburn (Jimmy Fallon), whose boss and former girlfriend has pulled his driver’s license, forcing him to commandeer Belle’s taxi to capture a gang of bank robbers. Thank goodness Belle has dreams of becoming a NASCAR driver, giving her the edge when it comes to chasing down sexy Brazilian robbers in Manhattan traffic.
Taxi isn’t funny, subjects viewers to endless computer-generated car chases, and requires a complete neurological meltdown to even appreciate the slapstick laughing gas humor.
Anyone with half a brain will sneak into another theater.
Things less painful than sitting through Taxi:
1. Stuffing a whacked-out weasel into your under-shorts and beating it with a stick.?br> 2. Receiving root canal by a spastic dentist.?br> 3. Staple Gun Acupuncture.?br> 4. An eye exam with a red hot poker.?br> 5. Body surfing on broken glass.?br> 6. Sitting naked on a Golden Globe award.
NOT PLAYING FARE
This Taxi Is Running On Fumes
TAXI
Queen Latifah, Jimmy Fallon, Henry Simmons, Jennifer Esposito, Gisele Bundchen. Directed by Tim Story. Rated PG-13. 98 Minutes.
LARSEN RATING: $1 and change
